Arrgh! Simurgh!

I'm gonna rant now about being angry, cause thats what I am! Its been a long time since my last blog...like in Feb. I never got to that gift giving lesson, but I will in the next one. Im excited about AX this year, only a month away or so. Im mad about not being aware of anything until its already too late, like the dates of Fanime. Everyones going this year, but me! I feel so left out. It was like the time everyone went to AX and I couldnt go cause my parents said my grades were bad.
I need friends in these desolate times...the times when I have nothing to do...and no one to hang out with, cause there so far away! Its been going on 4 years now at stupid school, and I have yet to make one close friend I can just call and hang out with. Its pitiful! Even Doug has made some good anime fan friends...where do these ppl hide? They must hide from me, cause I rarely encounter them. Maybe I'm not friendly enough....but, I'm actually quite shy. Once school is over...friendships im afraid will be over too....its just not fair. I wish I could post a want ad..."Looking for friends" just like in Japanese class for real. The people I meet are so....distant. They dont want to bug me to hang out, there in none of my classes, so what is there to really talk about? I dunno. Small talk is just that, small. My interests are quite narrowed, but I seem to have made good high shcool friends. I think the common thing linking us all was common classes though. I share nearly no classes with any new people I've met. And the classes they take are vastly different from mine, so I cant really relate. I live quite far from them, so its not easy to come over. Making good friends is just so difficult now. I fear this will be like the rest of my adult life....
If that's not enough, I've been feeling fairly ill lately. Maybe too many late nights, or too much cat exposure, I dont know. Not enough chlorophyll, or maybe Im just aging. My back hurts, my stomach hurts every now and then, i get kinda queasy sometimes. I can feel my sinuses increasing in pressure, they cause all sorts of trouble. Then I thought myself awake last night, and couldnt go to bed for a long while. Achy and bitter, thats it. I want a private luxury spa treatment, with smoothies. I dont feel comfortible with ppl "treating" me. Manicure, pedicure, those arent relaxing.....i feel sorry for the person who has to trim my nails. What I need is a massage chair. Then i can be relaxed, and not have to think about people.
I'm just so tired. Physically tired, mentally worn...hyped up on sugars, so i cant go to sleep. Its a horrible, frustrating place to be. I think...I would go back to ffxi just to chat with my old friends there if they still play. It was a great networking experience, I had so many ppl to chat with and we had a common goal, gameplay. :3 It was so nice....
When I was younger, I thought I didnt need ppl to chat with, that I could be a loner, but....as hardened as my outer appearance needs to be...I find I do need ppl. If only enough to talk to, so Im not sitting at this damned computer screen blogging about how irritated I am. But, the writings soothe my spirit a bit. The computer is a constant listening companion, I suppose. It never judges, lets me use it until it breaks, and doesnt tire of hearing my stories. It never talks to me, but in that way its like a pet. Ori ignores me half the time, and only talks to me when he wants my attention. Maybe I need a new cat. My fish are so dumb that they are nothing more than interesting moving wall ornaments. I suppose I have ppl to talk to...just none my age, that relate to me. I just wanna chat about playing brawl, or blazblue, or pokemon. Maybe cosplay techniques, or even some animes, though i havent seen many. Art styles, any of those topics would be fine. I look foward to seeing my high school friends again soon. Maybe in the meantime, I should re-evaluate what it means to be a friend. I just want one, non-romantic, close friend from college that I can call on, hang out with, play games together, that has similar background and tastes that i do. Is that too much? Too specific? Perhaps it is. I guess this will be one of those bury myself in so much work that I forget i need friends days...or grind on the game until i forget what day it is. it may be an obssesive trance, but at least it passes the time. Im already staying up too late... i shouldve been to bed awhile ago, but I just cant seem to rest. im bored, sleepy, and lonely, all mae for a worse combination or miserableness. But, on the bright side, theres always 2morrow. One day down....it may be bad, but tomorrow could be better. I could start feeling better 2morrow. I could make a new friend 2morrow. I could get that other meal I skipped out on today, or i could cook stuff that i shouldve cooked today. Do all my things i need to do. be productive, I suppose. I guess these are the times I could be able to work, at least i would be getting paid for my efforts. Now im getting tired of this. My rant is over, and I'll be staring at stuff in restlessness, but at least it will be in the comfy bed. :3